


i believe that you're for me (i see us written in the stars)

by pollutedrain



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, NCT Night Night, Pining, Radio, honestly just johnny working through some issues, lapslock, other assorted members of nct 127 make an appearance, some of it anyway, with the help of his friends of course
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-18
Updated: 2020-08-18
Packaged: 2021-03-06 04:49:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,240
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25977733
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pollutedrain/pseuds/pollutedrain
Summary: “and do you have a favourite one?” hyoyeon asks him, tone purposefully light even as she laughs at him.from across the table johnny can see the knowing smile that spreads across her face, eyes sparkling with amusement as they dart between him and jaehyun. his blood suddenly runs cold even as he feels his ears heat up with embarrassment, stuttering as he scrambles for an answer. there’s no way she could know, he reasons with himself, he can’t be that obvious.(or: johnny has a secret, and that secret is that he's in love with jaehyun. but there's just one problem - he's kind of not allowed to be.)
Relationships: Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Suh Youngho | Johnny
Comments: 10
Kudos: 198





	i believe that you're for me (i see us written in the stars)

**Author's Note:**

> snippets of this have been languishing in the notes app of my phone for about a week now, just waiting for me to sit down and write it properly and i finally did that today! literally, in one sitting - so if parts are a little rough, i apologise. 
> 
> inspiration for this came entirely from [this](https://twitter.com/dimplesupremacy/status/1291238838996594692) episode of enana, obviously extreme liberties have been taken with the clip to fit what i had in mind for the fic's plot! as always, i hope it's an enjoyable read (well, as enjoyable as it can be hhhh).
> 
> title: [dua lipa - levitating](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WHuBW3qKm9g)

laughter rings out throughout the studio for what seems like the millionth time that evening, as the last few keys of taeyeon’s _something new_ play out into silence. johnny takes a sip of his coffee. it’s a little past 11:30, well into yet another episode of his and jaehyun’s beloved radio show, this time guest starring hyoyeon. 

hyoyeon has always been one of his favourite seniors from their company and he always looks forward to her appearances on their programme, her sense of humour playing off of his and jaehyun’s perfectly even when they’re discussing the most random of topics. 

like the one they’re well into now, somehow having landed on a discussion about the assortment of plushies johnny keeps on his bed. johnny doesn’t mind too much, knows their listeners will be eating up the conversation, always happy to learn any little bit of information about one of the group’s members.

“and do you have a favourite one?” hyoyeon asks him, tone purposefully light even as she laughs at him.

“h-huh?” johnny replies, suddenly dumbfounded. 

“your plush collection - you must have a favourite, right? you know, the one that’s best for snuggling up with on a nighttime, that you always find yourself reaching for.”

from across the table johnny can see the knowing smile that spreads across her face, eyes sparkling with amusement as they dart between him and jaehyun. his blood suddenly runs cold even as he feels his ears heat up with embarrassment, stuttering as he scrambles for an answer. there’s no way she could know, he reasons with himself, he can’t be _that_ obvious. 

jaehyun’s reaction to the whole exchange doesn’t help soothe his internal panic at all, the younger man laughing as he turns to look at johnny, clearly also waiting for his answer. when johnny makes eye contact with him jaehyun flushes all the way to the tips of his ears, clutching the neck of his hoodie in his fists and bringing it up to cover his face in shyness. it’s a hopelessly endearing sight, johnny scoffing in amusement as he’s suddenly overwhelmed with fondness for the other man, enough that his heart aches. he smiles down at him, a smile that he only seems to reserve for the younger man. 

“never mind,” comes hyoyeon’s voice. johnny startles, pulled out of his reverie. her expression is now one of amused pity as she meets his eyes. “it must be hard to choose a favourite, right johnny?”

“r-right!” he finally manages to stammer out. “you’re so right, noona. it’d be like choosing a favourite child.” he jokes, quickly moving the conversation on gratefully. 

his ears burn for the rest of the show, anxiety leaving his thoughts running wildly through his head, even as hyoyeon apologises to him for putting him on the spot once they’ve said goodnight to their listeners.

“it’s fine noona,” he reassures her. “i just wasn’t expecting it, nothing more than that.”

“if you’re sure,” she replies, looking up at him. “next time i’ll give you a heads up before i tease you, okay?”

johnny laughs at that, instantly feeling a little more at ease. _see_ , he tells himself. _just a joke, no need to panic so much_.

jaehyun comes to lean against him, one arm looped through his as he types away at something on his phone. johnny stiffens slightly as he feels the heat of the younger man’s body begin to bleed through his t-shirt, melding with his own. hyoyeon watches all of this, an unreadable expression flitting quickly across her face, before it’s replaced with a smile.

“i think my manager will be waiting so i’d best go.” her tone is casual, so casual that it leaves johnny feeling fidgety. “goodnight boys.”

“goodnight noona.” he and jaehyun say in unison, the younger man beaming up at him when he realises. johnny smiles instinctively back down at him, feeling hyoyeon’s gaze burn into him even as she turns away to leave. he only relaxes when she’s gone, feeling rather like he’s just come to the end of running a marathon.

it’s been a long night.

///

johnny replays the scene over and over in his head later than night, long after he and jaehyun have returned back to the dorm. they’d gotten in late, quietly eaten a hurried meal of leftover japchae from the night before, before separating off to their own rooms.

now johnny stands alone in his bathroom, roaring noise of the shower not quite loud enough to drown out his thoughts. he studies his reflection in the fogged up mirror, frowning as it stares judgmentally back at him.

_your favourite?_

hyoyeon’s question repeats in his mind again, quickly followed by the image of him smiling dopily at jaehyun, as if there had been no-one in the room but just the two of them. he groans loudly, burying his face into his towel: he couldn’t have been more obvious if he’d have stood up and declared his love for the younger man to all their listeners.

and that’s just the problem: he’s in love with jaehyun. quite desperately at this point too, if he’s being totally honest with himself.

he’s not sure exactly what triggered it, not sure just when his feelings for the younger man had flipped from general friendly affection to something much more _ardent_ and all-consuming. they’d been friends for years of course, ever since they’d first been introduced to each other as trainees, and had only grown closer when they were assigned to their roles as radio co-hosts and shoved into the same dorm room. they spent nearly all their time together, jaehyun seeking him out even with the others around, tucking himself against johnny’s side at any given opportunity whenever they go to interviews and live shows and anything else in between. 

looking back, it’s no wonder johnny had fallen for him. he hadn’t stood a chance really. he thinks as much whenever jaehyun smiles up at him, dimples and all. 

_your favourite?_

it’s jaehyun. jaehyun is his favourite, and has been for quite some time now. 

and there lies his problem, jaehyun _can’t_ be his favourite, it’s getting to be too dangerous. they’re idols in south korea for fuck’s sake, thousands if not millions of people scrutinise their each and every move on the daily, write veritable essays on the hidden connotations of the ways that they merely look at each other. he can only play the role of the doting hyung for so long before someone gets suspicious.

while johnny thinks he’s been doing a pretty good job of hiding his feelings so far, he lives cautiously, forever worried that at some point he’ll slip up and let something slip that he can’t play off with a dumb joke. he’d nearly outed himself at one of the many interviews the group had been invited to, tripping over the _what’s your ideal type_ question like he hadn’t been asked it a dozen times by that point. jaehyun had smiled at him over the interviewer’s shoulder, and the temptation to answer _just shy of 6 foot tall with dimples and killer thighs_ had nearly overridden all sensible parts of his brain. 

it’s any wonder he’s made it this far. 

johnny sighs now, running his fingers through his hair. he’s exhausted, like he always seems to be lately, has barely enough energy left to do more than shower and crawl into bed. he checks the shower, humming in satisfaction when he realises it’s the perfect temperature. he’s just about to shed his clothes and step under the water when his phone buzzes where he left it next to his toothbrush. 

**[01:14] jaehyun** : hyung

 **[01:15] jaehyun** : i know it’s late but can i come over?

 _of course you can_ , johnny thinks to himself. jaehyun could ask him for literally anything and he’d do his damned best to get it for him. not that he’d ever tell the younger man that, though, that would be too obvious even for him.

 **[01:16] me:** can you wait? i’m literally about to shower

 **[01:17] jaehyun:** no you take forever to shower, i’ll fall asleep here

 **[01:17] jaehyun:** taeyong hyung’s out, right? i’ll let myself in

“brat.” johnny mutters under his breath, placing his phone back on the counter. he doesn’t mean it, of course. 

as expected, when he finally emerges from the bathroom jaehyun is curled up on his bed, johnny’s plushies artfully arranged around him in a protective circle. it’s a sight that makes johnny’s heart ache a little bit more than it should, and he hovers in the doorway to let himself savour it. 

it’s somewhat ridiculous. it’s not even been that long since they’d stopped being roommates, and even then johnny probably sees jaehyun the most out of all the members. they still see each other everyday - jaehyun had only moved down the hall, it’s not like he suddenly lived across the city, too far out of reach.

but sometimes it does feel that way. johnny finds himself moping a little, mourning the loss of their nights spent together, nights where they’d laugh over a shared bottle of wine to the background music of one of jaehyun’s jazz records. he misses waking up to the sight of jaehyun’s messy bed head first thing in the morning, the pair of them brushing their teeth together in comfortable silence before johnny disappeared off to make them coffee.

he especially misses the nights where they’d end up curled around each other in the same bed, slowly passing out from the exhaustion from whatever schedule they’d had that day, jaehyun’s hand always finding a way to grip onto johnny’s pyjama shirt. 

present johnny shakes his head, trying to clear his mind. 

he wanders into the room proper, dropping his clothes from that day into his and taeyong’s laundry basket. if it had still been him and jaehyun rooming together he’d have probably left them on the floor to deal with at a later time, but he knows his current roommate would huff at him if he tried anything like that. he changes quickly into his pyjamas, letting out a quiet groan of relief when he finally crawls into bed. 

jaehyun doesn’t move an inch even as he’s jostled around by johnny’s attempts to get comfortable, easily fitting his body around that of his friend’s like they were two puzzle pieces designed to slot together. the younger man doesn’t look up from his phone screen, furiously tapping away as he’s preoccupied with some game donghyuck had convinced him to download. sighing fondly, johnny moves to lean his weight on one elbow, allowing him to study the other man’s face. 

it’s completely unnecessary of course. by now he could probably draw jaehyun from memory with no difficulty. 

he knows each contour and slope of the younger man’s face, has spent hours mapping out each mole like they’re a galaxy laid out just waiting for him to discover. he can easily recount the way jaehyun’s long eyelashes brush against his cheeks with each blink, or how his dimples appear with the way that he smiles, or how a little frown line forms between his eyebrows whenever he’s frustrated, like he is now. 

it’s borderline obsessive, johnny acknowledges as much. he also acknowledges that he’s quickly reaching a point of frustration within himself, burdened by all of this information that he’s not exactly sure what to _do_ with. 

“is your bed not good enough or something?” he finally speaks, joking around in an attempt to try and distract himself.

“yours is nicer and you know it,” jaehyun frowns at his phone, scowling at the pop up that appears on his screen to declare he’s run out of lives. he sighs, leaning over to drop his phone next to johnny’s on the nightstand, before snuggling back down into the mattress. “besides, hyuck has renjun over in our room right now and they kept bothering me.”

“so you came to bother me instead?” johnny places a hand over his heart, acting wounded. he tries to ignore that he can now feel just how hard his heart is beating away in his chest - a small wonder that the other man can’t hear it too. “that hardly seems fair, you should have some more respect for your hyung.”

“oh? am i really bothering you that much, _hyung_?” jaehyun looks up at him then, smirking because he already knows the answer (and he’s right). his hair falls unstyled over his forehead, looking so soft that johnny aches with the urge to reach out and gently run his fingers through the strands. instead, he settles for shaking his head.

“nah, you know you’re welcome here anytime.” he replies, easy. “just stop antagonising taeyong by leaving your stuff lying around.”

jaehyun huffs at that. 

“it’s what he gets for forcing me out.” he stretches out with a whine. “i _miss_ you, hyuck is great and all but he’s just not _you_ , it doesn’t feel the same.”

 _he’s just not you_. 

johnny’s breath hitches at the other man’s words. just the idea of jaehyun missing him is enough to send his pulse racing ever faster, even though deep down he knows that the younger man doesn’t mean it in the way he so desperately wants him to. 

“i miss you too jae,” he fights to keep his voice steady. “it’s weird not having you around all the time, i feel like we barely see each other anymore.” _was that too much?_ he asks himself silently. he can’t be sounding _too_ desperate now.

“good job we have enana then, right hyung? it’d be even worse if we didn’t.” 

johnny’s cheeks flush at the mere mention of their radio programme, memories from earlier that night rushing back to him. _your favourite?_ echoes around his mind once more, as jaehyun cuddles in that little bit closer to him, seeking his warmth. he prays the dim light of his room lamp is enough to hide his reaction.

“r-right.” he replies, not trusting himself to say anything more. he notices that jaehyun is struggling to keep his eyes open, body slack as he curls in on himself. “you know taeyong is just gonna wake you up and kick you out when he gets back, right?” 

“mmm,” jaehyun mumbles sleepily, barely a breath away from burying his face into the older man’s chest. “i’ll deal with it later, ‘m too tired.” 

johnny’s resolve softens instantly at just how sleepy he sounds. he leans down to grab the covers, careful not to disturb jaehyun as he tugs them up over both of them, tucking them in to make sure no heat escapes. 

“i’ll tell him to just leave you be.” he murmurs. 

“you’re the best, hyung.” jaehyun’s words slur together a little, the tell-tale sign that he’s seconds away from drifting off. he manages to blink open one eye, gaze unfocused as he does so. “goodnight johnny, sleep well.”

the ever-present ache in his chest tells johnny that he won’t be sleeping any time soon, no matter how much exhaustion threatens to take over his body. he reaches over to tentatively rest his arm over jaehyun’s curled up form, repressing the shiver that threatens to make its way down his spine when he realises he can feel the younger man’s breath ghosting over his neck. 

“goodnight jae, sleep well.” _i love you_.

he doesn’t say it out loud, of course.

///

the coffee shop johnny had chosen is mercifully quiet, empty apart from a mother and her children tucked away in the opposite corner.

ten watches him from across their table, a slightly wary look on his face as he absent-mindedly draws a pattern in the foam of his matcha latte. johnny can’t quite remember the last time they’d managed to meet up like this, just the two of them, it’s been far too long. they’re just so _busy_ normally, and even now their time together is reduced to a quick hour, johnny having to leave soon for another schedule.

“are you okay?” his friend asks him abruptly, interrupting his musing. “it’s not like you to be this quiet.”

“yeah, i’m good.” johnny feigns, voice deliberately casual. “why do you ask?”

his question is met with an unimpressed look, ten quirking one eyebrow at him.

“johnny.” is all he says - to be honest, he doesn’t need to say anything more. johnny’s resolve is already crumbling. he sighs, sagging back into his chair.

if he wanted to, he could continue to brush ten off and insist everything is fine, he’s just tired, they’re preparing for a comeback, all the usual excuses. ten would only ever push him so far - his friend knows him far too well, clearly knows _something_ is wrong, but would ultimately drop it if told to. he sighs again. 

“i’ve just got something on my mind, that’s all.”

“anything i can help with?”

 _not unless you can work miracles_. johnny thinks to himself miserably. his expression must give away his feelings because ten is suddenly leaning across the table, resting a comforting hand on his arm. 

“john?” his voice is gentle, tentative. “seriously, you know you can tell me anything, right? that’s what i’m here for.”

ridiculously, johnny feels the threatening sting of tears in his eyes. 

he’s been growing increasingly desperate about dealing with this whole jaehyun thing on his own, the issue eating away at him until anxiety digs its claws in deep, leaving him lying awake at night and feeling sick. the other members had picked up on his mood (how could they not, it’s literally his role in the group to be the happy one), most of them approaching him individually in concern, gentle queries of _johnny, what’s going on?_ an invitation for him to spill his soul out for them.

one that he’d always been too scared to take. 

because in the back of his mind, there’s always a quiet voice telling him that he can’t tell anyone, it’s too shameful. that his whole thing of being gay (well, he’s pretty sure he’s gay, anyway, is a little too afraid to examine the issue closely) is bad enough, but to try and drag another of his members down with him? that would be going too far. he hopes, prays that the others would be supportive of him, but the chance that they wouldn’t leaves him with no choice but to just avoid the whole issue, pretend it doesn’t exist.

ten, however, is a little bit different. he’s his best friend, one that he regrettably doesn’t get to see as often as he likes but in a scenario like this? that could be a lifeline. it’d be much easier for him to avoid ten than any of the others if the other man reacted badly to his confession, much easier to just turn away from him if they ever ran into each other at the company building. 

“it’s jaehyun.” he finally admits quietly.

“jaehyun? did something happen between you two? last time i saw you both you were fine, nauseatingly so, in fact.”

johnny shakes his head. “no, jaehyun’s fine, great even.” and isn’t that the problem - jaehyun being great. it would have saved johnny a lot of grief if he wasn’t. 

ten frowns. “so what’s wrong with him then?”

he feels sick, pushes away his mug of coffee as the smell suddenly becomes overwhelming. he regrets ever saying anything, but it’s too late for him to back out now. besides, if he did, the chance of ten messaging jaehyun to check on him is too high, and that would really leave him cornered. jaehyun would probably confront him, wearing him down until johnny blurted out his confession, blurted out his _i love you you fucking idiot_ , potentially ruining their friendship forever. and that is the direct opposite of what he wants. 

resigning himself to his fate, he takes a deep breath.

“i think i’m in love with him.” his voice sounds pathetic to his own ears, catching weakly on the end of his sentence. he keeps his eyes trained on the floor, not daring to look at the other man, putting off seeing his reaction for as long as he can. 

“ _oh_.” is ten’s only reply. 

johnny frowns to himself in confusion. _oh?_ that doesn’t give anything away. slowly, he lifts his head so he can make eye contact again. 

ten’s face is curiously blank, but thankfully devoid of anything akin to anger, or even disgust. his hand still remains on johnny’s arm, grip slightly tighter than it was before, but not painfully so. hope dares to bloom the tiniest bit inside johnny’s chest. 

“oh?” he repeats. “that’s all you have to s-say?” 

“well,” ten sighs. “i don’t want to dismiss your feelings in any way, especially since it’s clear now that you’ve been agonising over this for god knows how long, but- is that it?”

stunned, johnny sits back into his chair. he’d barely slept more than ten hours this week, anxious to the point that just booking a flight back to chicago and running away for good was fast looking like his best option, and yet ten sits here as if he’d simply commented on the weather. his friend clearly picks up on his confusion, as he continues.

“johnny,” ten pauses, searching for the right words. “this might be news to you, but it isn’t to a lot of us. you’re… not exactly subtle.”

fear seizes johnny suddenly, all the air in his body leaving his lungs in a petrified gasp. people _knew_? oh god, oh _god_ , he thinks. how can he get out of this one? 

ten panics at his expression, instantly sliding the hand on his arm down to grip tightly at his fingers.

“sorry, sorry!” he stammers, scrabbling immediately to calm his friend down. “everyone’s fine with it, don’t worry!”

“who-” johnny croaks. “most of the members, except some of the younger ones. a couple of the seniors know too, i meant it though, i literally haven’t heard anyone say anything bad.” he squeezes johnny’s hand for emphasis. “everyone loves and supports you too much for that, john. we could never turn our backs on you, especially not over something like this.” 

for the second time that day, johnny feels like crying. 

he should’ve known this, they’re his closest friends after all, his second family - how could he ever think they’d abandon him over this? he owes them all an apology when he gets home, maybe he’ll drag them all into a group hug. as he thinks over how to reply to ten, the memories of the exchange with hyoyeon comes to mind. she must have known too, _fuck_ , how had he not connected the dots? the way she’d looked at him and jaehyun-

wait. jaehyun.

“what about-”

“jaehyun?” ten smiles at him in exasperation. “clueless, i think. he’s the only one more oblivious than you.”

“oh.” johnny says this time. suddenly he feels tired all over again. “i’m not sure if that’s sad or a relief.”

ten frowns at him. “why would you be sad about him knowing?”

“because that would mean he doesn’t love me back? i mean, not that he does anyway-”

ten snorts suddenly, the noise so loud it startles johnny. “oh god, you think- you really are oblivious aren’t you? bless you johnny, you poor thing.”

“what?” 

“i’m pretty sure he likes you back, you big lovable idiot. even a blind person could see it.”

“i-” johnny feels as though his entire world has been turned upside down. he subtly pinches his leg, praying that he’s not about to wake up and this is all just a dream, that he’s not still in bed awaiting his next schedule. the sting of pain tells him he’s very much conscious. “he- he likes me too? jaehyun?”

ten is laughing now, the sound not unkind, thankfully. “you should _see_ the way he looks at you, like you’re his entire world condensed down into one person. it’s pretty adorable really, you two are made for each other.”

johnny thinks over this quietly. jaehyun’s eyes had always shone in a particular way whenever he’d looked at johnny, a way that seemed to be reserved just for the older man alone. he thinks over the way the younger man had always laughed extra loud at johnny’s jokes, how he’d crawl into bed with him whenever he thought johnny felt lonely, so far away from his family, how he’d convince johnny to sneak out in the middle of the night to get food they weren’t supposed to be having. 

_should we invite the others?_

_no hyung, i want you all to myself_. 

had he really been so blind?

“do i tell him?” he asks ten now, voice small, barely a whisper. 

“what else can you do? keep this to yourself for the rest of your life? it’ll kill you, johnny.”

keeping it to himself doesn’t sound like the worst idea, as long as it ensures that his and jaehyun’s relationship isn’t ruined in the slightest. he’s not sure he could live with that. 

“what if i scare him off?”

“it’s _jaehyun_ , you won’t scare him off, i swear.” ten squeezes his hand once more. “trust me on this one, you’ll feel so much better once it’s all out in the open.” 

ten’s words do little to fend off the dread that’s settling over him. but he knows, deep down, that his friend is right.

“you’re right.” he nods to himself, as if that’ll convince the worries nagging away at his mind. “i’ll tell him soon, i promise.”

“good.” ten smiles brightly up at him. “otherwise i’ll have to kick your ass.”

“did you have a good time with ten?” taeyong asks him that night, voice tentative in the way that it always seems to be whenever they talk, lately. 

johnny turns to him, a gentle smile on his face. “i did, thanks. i think it’s impossible not to, really.”

“that’s good.” taeyong hesitates before sitting down at the edge of johnny’s bed, reaching out to take his older friend’s hand in his own. he’s quiet for a moment, eyes trained on the wall, gently tracing a pattern over the back of johnny’s hand with his thumb, before he speaks up again.

“you know you can talk to me about anything right? even if you feel like you can’t tell the others things, i’m always here for you. no matter what.” 

johnny opens his mouth to reply, but the words die before they can even leave his lips. instead he blinks, the tears that had been threatening to fall all day finally finding their way out as his face crumples. taeyong doesn’t say anything as he gathers the much taller man into his arms, gently stroking his fingers through his hair. johnny clings onto him as if he’ll fall apart if he lets go, forever grateful for his friend’s presence.

no matter what happens with jaehyun, he know he’ll turn out fine in the end. 

///

the next episode of their radio show is uneventful as it can be. 

they play songs, joke around with their guests, and easily fall into their usual banter with each other. johnny pretends not to see the way jaehyun’s eyes flicker to him for affirmation each time he makes a joke, the younger man beaming with pride each time his older friend laughs at him. in return johnny stares at him, spellbound, for the entirety of coldplay’s _everglow_ : if jaehyun notices, he doesn’t say a thing. 

the car ride home is quiet, some old ballad johnny’s never heard before tinny as it plays over the radio. their manager hums along, stopping every now and then to mutter about the traffic. jaehyun’s thigh is warm where it presses against his own, the material of their jeans the only thing separating them. the rest of the car is empty but the younger man had followed johnny into the back row, curling into his side like a cat. his head is heavy where it lies on johnny’s shoulder, but johnny wouldn’t move him for the world. besides, he’s tired too.

a hand on his arm shakes him awake however long later. 

johnny frowns, sitting up. their manager pulls away from him, gesturing to the front of their dorm building to show they’ve arrived home. johnny nods back at him, lifting his head from where he’d been leaning on jaehyun. the younger man whines at the loss, whines even more when johnny nudges him insistently until he follows them out of the car and up into the dorm. johnny indulges him by holding his hand the entire way, only (reluctantly) letting go when they reach their front door. 

the usual chorus of _welcome home_ greets them, the other members reclining around their living room in various positions. mark bounds up to him immediately, quizzing him on how the show went, complimenting their song choices. it’s a little much for how tired johnny is but he humours the younger man, lets him hang off of his arm, occasionally ruffling his hair with genuine affection (and to hear him squawk in indignation). 

jaehyun brushes past him to go flop down between yuta and jungwoo on the sofa, joining them in watching whatever’s flashing across the tv screen. jaehyun tucks himself in close, clearly intending to continue his nap, head lolling as its cushioned on jungwoo’s lap. johnny watches them from the doorway, something that’s more desperate longing than jealousy stirring deep within him. he needs to act soon. 

“hungry, hyung?” doyoung asks him quietly, a thankful distraction. the smell of whatever the others had eaten for dinner still hangs in the air, spicy and garlicky all at once. “i put your leftovers in the fridge.”

“no thanks,” johnny replies, squeezing the younger man’s shoulder in appreciation. “i think i’m just gonna wash up and sleep early, i’m beat.” his voice is quiet but jaehyun clearly hears him, immediately sitting back up, alert. 

promising.

johnny disappears off into his room, immediately gathering his things for a shower. taeyong is away for a few nights, home to visit his family. he’s already sent a myriad of photos of his dog to the group chat, followed by a rambling series of heartfelt messages telling each and every one of them exactly how much he loves and appreciates them (johnny had received his own personal array of voice messages). 

(“he’s so drunk,” donghyuck had cackled, ignoring doyoung’s admonishments. “hyung always gets like this when he drinks, he’s probably watching videos of us right now and crying.”)

as such, johnny should have their room to himself tonight. he hopes that he won’t, however. 

at their closet, he picks out an oversized hoodie and some sleep shorts, leaving them on his bed for when he’s done in the shower. he crosses to their bathroom, pausing to leave the door into their bedroom open just a little bit, an obvious invitation in case anyone needs it. 

it works - just as he steps under the water he hears the familiar creak of the bedroom door opening and closing. he can’t help the fond smile that spreads over his face as he shampoos his hair: jaehyun really is that predictable. 

_or rather_ , says a voice in the back of his head that sounds curiously like ten, _you know him that well_. 

when johnny reemerges from the bathroom, wrapped only in his towel, jaehyun is sprawled on his bed like always. except, this time, something is different: the younger man is wearing the hoodie johnny had laid out for himself. it shouldn’t have such a profound effect on him - it’s in no way the first time he’s seen the other man wearing his clothes. hell, sometimes he carries a spare hoodie around with him on the off chance that jaehyun might need it, knows the younger man’s habit of going out in just a t-shirt. 

but there’s something just so terribly intimate in the way that jaehyun is curled up on his mattress, gently humming along to a song he’s playing over johnny’s speakers, the too-long sleeves of johnny’s hoodie slipping over his fingers. he aches with the want to join him, pull the younger man against his chest and never let go.

“i was planning on wearing that.” johnny tries his best to sound annoyed, but even he can hear that the words have no bite to them. 

jaehyun can clearly hear it too, shoots the taller man an unimpressed look over his shoulder. johnny watches as the younger man’s gaze carefully dips down to look at his bare chest for a brief moment, before shooting back up to instead focus on johnny’s face. jaehyun acts unaffected, but the tell-tale redness creeping over his cheeks betrays him. johnny tries not to think about the satisfaction that that brings him. 

“you have like twenty more,” jaehyun finally chokes out. “i’m sure you’ll survive.”

johnny rolls his eyes, already turning back to his closet to find something new to wear. he settles for another hoodie from the same brand as the one jaehyun stole from him, the primal instinct for them to match taking over his thought process. he quickly towel dries his hair, leaving the towel on his desk as he goes to climb into bed. he’ll grab it in the morning.

it’s a pretty cold night - at least, johnny tells himself that’s why jaehyun scoots as close to him as possible the second he’s settled, their chests barely inches apart. he indulges him as always, once again tucking the blankets around the two of them to keep them both warm. for a while neither of them speak, nothing but the sound of the nell song quietly playing in the background, coupled with their breathing. 

jaehyun is the first one to speak.

“are you okay?” when johnny frowns down at him in confusion he licks his lips before continuing. “i noticed everyone seems so worried about you lately- you know you can talk to me right? i’m always here for you, hyung, you should know that.”

johnny smiles softly down at the other man. just when he think he can’t be any more in love with the other man, jaehyun says something that makes him fall that little bit further. at this point, he has no hope of ever returning (and curiously, he’s fine with that). 

“i’m fine now, you don’t have to worry about me, jaehyunnie.” 

jaehyun wrinkles his nose at the nickname, though johnny isn’t sure he’s completely disgusted by it. “good. i don’t like seeing you sad, it doesn’t feel right.” 

johnny indulges himself this time, lets himself brush the hair out of jaehyun’s eyes so its easy for him to look into them. he’s not quite sure, but he thinks he hears the younger man gasp softly at his touch. “you’re so sweet, jae. i’m lucky to have you.”

johnny ends up putting on a tv show for them to watch, something random that neither of them particularly care about, but they both agree that it’s too early to sleep. they stay curled up together, jaehyun shuffling closer until most of his weight is leant on the other man’s chest, head tucked perfectly into the space between johnny’s neck and shoulder. johnny holds his breath until jaehyun relaxes, only then daring to wrap an arm around his shoulders. they settle into silence for a while. 

“you never answered hyoyeon noona, by the way.” jaehyun blurts out suddenly, however long later, right as the episode ends. johnny startles, having been seconds away from drifting off to sleep. 

“what was that?” he asks, rubbing at his eyes. maybe he is more tired than he originally thought. 

“the other night- she asked which of these was your favourite.” jaehyun reaches up, squeezing one of johnny’s plushies for emphasis. “you never answered her.”

“oh,” johnny is suddenly wide awake. he hadn’t expected to be put on the spot like this, had secretly hoped that jaehyun had forgotten all about that incident. “you’re still stuck on this?

the younger man fixes him an unimpressed look. “i am, i want to know too. it’s been days now - you can’t hide forever.”

 _oh, fuck_. there’s no way he can wriggle out of this, save for making a run for it to hide in someone else’s room. and even that wouldn’t last long. “well- you’re right, i didn’t.”

jaehyun squints up at him, clearly suspicious at the way johnny seems to be attempting to avoid the discussion. “well?”

johnny is quickly beginning to feel like he’s being cornered, but it would also appear that fate has his back for once, is finally presenting him with the perfect opportunity to confess. if it would also provide him with the necessary courage, that would be even better, he muses. he briefly finds himself wishing taeyong were still here but immediately dismisses the thought. the last thing he needs right now is an audience. 

_well_ , he thinks to himself. _here goes nothing_.

“it’s you.” 

johnny resists the immediate urge to cringe, the words sounding horrifically cheesy now they’re out in the open. he’s never been the smoothest, really. 

jaehyun’s eyes widen an almost comical amount, any tiredness immediately gone as he sits up so fast he nearly topples back over. johnny reaches out instinctively to steady him. 

“me?” jaehyun practically squeaks, voice pitched the highest johnny’s ever heard it. his eyes are wild as he looks at the older man, bottom lip trembling. 

johnny sits up too, movements slower than the younger man’s. he’d be lying if he said he wasn’t nervous, that he didn’t regret just keeping his mouth shut, even with the threat of ten beating his ass hanging over him. but there’s no turning back now, anxiety be damned. 

“yes, you.” he replies, holding jaehyun’s gaze, trying to communicate the mess of his feelings with just one look.

“what does that even _mean_?”

“it means,” johnny replies quietly, leaning over to take one of jaehyun’s hands in his. when the younger man doesn’t pull away, he continues, quietly confident. “it means- i like you jae. more than that in fact, i think- i think i’m in love with you. have been for a while now.”

he deliberately avoids eye contact, eyes trained on his blankets as jaehyun lets out a short laugh of disbelief. he pulls his hand out of johnny’s grasp - johnny feels as though he takes his heart with it, dread flooding through his veins instantly. he steels himself, prepared to watch jaehyun flounce out of the room in disgust, out of his life, never to return again. 

instead, the younger man reaches out for him, the movement a little too fast and rough, falling back as he tugs johnny down with him. johnny flinches, not anticipating this in the slightest, so they crash together painfully, their heads banging against each other. they lay together, both groaning in pain.

“sorry,” jaehyun smiles up at him sheepishly when he recovers from the initial shock, beautiful as he’s laid out beneath him. his fingers gently trail over the back of johnny’s neck, drawing a shiver out of the older man. “i got a little too excited.”

“‘s alright,” johnny mumbles, hope blossoming in his chest so quickly it’s almost too much for him. there’s already a red mark developing against the pale skin of jaehyun’s forehead: he’s seized with the urge to kiss it better. maybe - just maybe, there’s a chance he’ll actually be able to. “jaehyun, i-”

“i love you too.” jaehyun tells him suddenly, voice quiet even as his words roar in johnny’s ears. 

johnny inhales sharply. “you- you love me? too? _me_?”

“yes - who else, you idiot?” jaehyun laughs at him softly - he can’t blame him, the look on his face must be incredible. “i love you johnny. you and only you.”

“how- how long?” johnny dares ask, voice barely above a whisper. 

he can’t quite believe that this is happening. he reaches down to gently ghost his fingers over jaehyun’s cheek, afraid that none of this is real, jaehyun is going to disappear any second now and he’ll be left alone, cold in the emptiness of his room.

“about a year now? maybe even longer, maybe even from the first moment we met. i didn’t keep track.” jaehyun murmurs, staring up at him. 

this time it’s johnny’s turn to laugh, the sound incredulous as it leaves his mouth. all that time he’d spent agonising over the man currently laid underneath him when he’d felt exactly the same. all the pain that he could have saved himself from - ten was right, he is an idiot. but none of that matters now. only jaehyun does. 

“jaehyun?”

jaehyun’s eyes sparkle in the way that they always do whenever he looks at him.

“johnny?” he replies. 

“can i kiss you?”

jaehyun snorts, tugging his head down again. this time johnny anticipates it, catches himself so they don’t end up with yet another injury, their noses just gently brushing against each other instead. they pause for a moment to laugh, before johnny closes the last bit of distance between them. 

jaehyun’s lips are warm and impossibly soft against his own, flavoured with the tiniest hint of peach. 

johnny kisses him so tenderly, trying his best to convey years of longing through this one gesture, to make jaehyun understand just how long he’s wanted this, dreamt of this. jaehyun seems to understand, weaving his fingers into johnny’s hair to pull him impossibly close, lips parting so their tongues can meet. johnny feels like he could melt, years of hopes and daydreams leading up to this very moment, and it turns out to be more than he could have ever wished for. like coming home after an impossibly long journey away. like he’ll never be able to leave again. 

after what feels like a lifetime he pulls away, the pair of them taking a second to catch their breath. then he moves, leaning over just a little to press kisses to jaehyun’s cheeks, his nose and finally his forehead, right on the bump from earlier. because now he can, now there’s nothing stopping him from showering the younger man in affection like he’s always wanted to. jaehyun giggles away underneath him, hand scrabbling to curl into the fabric of johnny’s hoodie. 

johnny stares down at him, so full of love for jaehyun that he’s almost afraid of it.

“i love you.” he whispers. 

“and i love you too.” jaehyun murmurs in response. he pauses, suddenly unsure of himself. “how will we tell the others?”

“honestly, i think they already know, or at least they’ve guessed.” johnny laughs softly. “but don’t worry, i’m sure we can handle them.” 

“i’m not worried.” jaehyun replies bluntly, leaning up to brush johnny’s hair out of his eyes. “as long as i have you, i know i’ll be fine.” 

johnny opens his mouth to reply that he feels exactly the same way, but he remembers that jaehyun knows that already. how could he not, really? you don’t act the way that johnny did for someone that you only have a fleeting interest in. instead, he simply leans down to kiss him again, basking in the knowledge that jaehyun knows he can always rely on him.

that nothing can get to them, now that they know they have each other. 

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading! kudos, comments and bookmarks would be very appreciated if you liked it. i'm sorry i'm genuinely terrible at replying to comments - one day i will sit down and reply to each one i've gotten on past works, but please know if you have commented on my work before that i have read and treasured each and every single one. 
> 
> find me on twitter at [@suhnbeams](https://twitter.com/suhnbeams) where i spend all my time yelling about writing and nct (mostly johnjae). thanks again! ❤


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